by RACHEL CRISP PHILIPS

PINK ELEPHANTS ON PARADE
Recently, in the Indian village of Dumurkota, a herd of elephants went on a mammoth-sized rampage. The debauchery began when the pack of pachyderms discovered a stash of moonshine and helped themselves to the libations. Mere minutes later, 500 liters of the liquor had been consumed through the elephants’ gullets and that’s when things really got crazy. Dozens of houses were demolished during the incident as the aggressive mammals searched for more booze to fuel their craze. Local police officer Asish Samanat commented, “They were like any other drunk - aggressive and unreasonable but much, much bigger,” before adding, “They’ll have one heck of a hangover.” (Daily Mail)

WHAT BIG TEETH YOU HAVE
Near the village of Novo Biryuzyak, in the Russian Republic of Dagestan, Aishat Maksudova was tending to her herd of cattle and flock of sheep when she heard the cries of a calf being attacked by a wolf. As soon as the 56-year-old grandmother saved the calf from the wolf’s grasp, it began to attack her instead. Though it leapt at her hand with an open mouth, she was undaunted and attempted to pry it’s jaws apart in her desire to throttle the animal’s throat. When the jaws would not budge she reached for the nearest weapon, her axe. “‘And then I took the axe and hit him on the head,” recalled Maksudova, “I was not even frightened.” (Metro)

CALL A LOCKSMITH
An investigation is underway in Britain where an intruder has attempted to burgle the Tower of London, home to many priceless artifacts, including the crown jewels themselves. Apparently the suspect stole a set of keys which, while they did not open the Tower itself, certainly highlighted a serious breach of security. Since its birth in the 1080s by William the Conqueror, the Tower has seen much in its vast history of monarchs and executions. However, this is the brashest attempt on its security since 1671 when Colonel Blood and his gang overpowered the watchmen. All the locks have since been changed. (Reuters)

MISTER SANDMAN
While passing through the town of Billings, Montana, a 57-year-old man decided to take a long walk near the edge of town. Though he claims to have had no intentions of sleeping, the weariness soon overcame him once he stepped off the road and walked several feet into a nearby cornfield. His sleep was surely sound, as the man dozed through the sound of the landowner starting up his combine for an afternoon harvest. However, he was brought to harsh consciousness by the sensation of being sucked into the machine’s blades. Fortunately, the alert farmer heard his cries and stopped the equipment in time. Miraculously, the injured man survived without a single life-threatening injury. (Billings Gazette)

FOR SCIENCE
Jeffrey Meldrum, an anatomy and anthropology professor at Idaho State University, has received approval on his proposal to float a blimp over the mountainous Northwest in order to locate concrete evidence of the cryptozoological Bigfoot. While funding must still be raised, Meldrum is excited to collect never-before-seen documentation of the mythic creature in its natural habitat. The Falcon Project, as it has been deemed, will hopefully launch next spring but has yet to raise much funding despite cable TV interest in documenting the project. (Reuters)

by RACHEL CRISP PHILIPS

SILENT TREATMENT
Ayapaneco is a rare language indigenous to Mexico, one with a history going back hundreds of years. However, it is in danger of extinction as there are now only two surviving speakers left in the entire world and they flatly refuse to converse together. Manuel Segovia, 75, and Isidro Velazquez, 69, live near each other in the remote village of Ayapa but their proximity doesn’t help with communication. While denying any active hostility, the men clash sharply in personality and disagree about nuances of the language variations that each man speaks. Fortunately, thanks to the National Indigenous Language Institute, a dictionary is due out later this year and efforts are underway to hold classes to pass the dying language on to others. (The Guardian)

FISHY TALE
Months after Haans Galassi of Washington lost most of the fingers on his left hand in a wakeboarding accident at Idaho’s Priest Lake, he received a phone call from an Idaho sheriff with a strange story for the man. Galassi had a feeling he knew what the call was about, and wondered if they’d somehow found his fingers in a fish. Sure enough, an Idaho fisherman had recently discovered a severed finger inside the belly of a fish he’d gutted. Fingerprint identification united the lost digit with its owner, though he ultimately declined to have it returned to him. (Associated Press)

THIS HEISENBERG GUY
About a month after police arrested an Alabama meth manufacturer named Walter White, a name and occupation shared with the fictional lead character of the AMC TV show Breaking Bad, there emerges another case of fiction colliding with reality. In East Texas, 43-year old junior high chemistry teacher William Duncan has been charged with “manufacturing and delivery of a controlled substance.” Further completing his similarity to the televised character’s scripted situation, his illegal involvement stunned the local community, which did not consider him a likely suspect. (Texas Monthly)

STOLEN SYRUP
Over the summer months, someone was busy siphoning sweet maple syrup from a distribution center in Quebec. Discovered missing in late August of this year, the large quantity of product was recently found by authorities investigating the disappearance. Thankfully for the producers of the breakfast condiment, with a street value of over $20 million dollars, the maple goodness was insured. On the downside, the Royal Canadian Mounted Police have yet to get their man as no arrests have been made. (Montreal Gazette)

NO KIDDING
Suspects were caught on camera quite literally kidnapping a kid, or baby goat, from a San Diego petting zoo overnight, but they took nothing else during the invasion. Surprisingly, the goat was returned the next morning, unharmed, but with bright pink nail polish on each of its hooves. According to the owners of the petting zoo, they canceled the police report once Billy came back safe and sound but, unfortunately, the polish has proven problematic to remove so far. (The Huffington Post)

by RACHEL CRISP PHILIPS

MAD MONK
While hiking through the woods, a German man came across the unusual sight of another, completely naked man wandering around the forest, disoriented and cold. When help was offered, the nude man refused assistance and wandered away, but was eventually intercepted by law enforcement. Later, it was discovered that the affected man was a monk on a camping expedition who had accidentally consumed toxic berries, resulting in hallucinations, partial paralysis and public exposure during the incident. (The Local)

RELAX AND FLOAT DOWNSTREAM
When local police in Wenling City, Zhejiang Province, China, responded to calls of a dead body floating in the river they naturally assumed the worst. However, upon closer inspection, the woman was revealed to be alive and well; she was simply napping. While on a walk to clear her head after a spousal argument, the woman had succumbed to drowsiness from a prior ingestion of cold pills, causing her to topple into the water. Fortunately, this artificially relaxed state helped to prevent her drowning as her limp body calmly floated downstream for an estimated 40 minutes before rescue. (Record China)

DEMOLITION JOYRIDE
Upset over a recent arrest, a Vermont man decided to enact some vigilante justice. Armed with a full-size, eight-tired tractor and a mind for vengeance, the man headed for his local Sheriff’s office. After using the machinery to line up seven of the official vehicles, and courteously moving a civilian vehicle to the side, the culprit drove back-and-forth over the cars, monster truck-style, before officers were able to engage him in a low-speed chase. Ultimately overtaken, the man now has 13 additional charges to add to the original accusation. (The Newport Daily Express)

EMU
Typically, road improvements such as wildlife crossings and bridges are seen as positive progress from both road officials and environmentalists for the impact they have on reducing road kill. However, a proposed Australian highway that will cut across a major emu habitat has caused recent conflict. According to environmentalists, the underground wildlife crossing tunnels incorporated into the design are not enough to save the poor emu. While they respect the wild emu, they also contend that the animal is far too dumb to use the life-saving tunnels. (The Telegraph)

SMOKING GUN
When a 24-year-old Washington state man reportedly stopped his pickup truck yell at a pregnant smoker on the sidewalk, he shouted, “Who the heck smokes when they’re pregnant?” When the woman replied, “I do,” the man allegedly pulled a gun on her, even further heightening the risk of harm to the woman and her unborn child. Stopped by police a short time later, the man confessed to confronting the woman but denied pulling a gun. According to police, two handguns were found in the truck and the man was arrested for investigation. (Huffington Post)
 
Rachel Crisp Philips is a sales assistant at the Missoulian and purveyor of “odd news.”

by RACHEL CRISP PHILIPS

IDENTITY CRISIS
Csanad Szegedi, an up and coming member of Hungary’s far-right Jobbik Party, had received a lot of attention in his home country for spewing anti-semitic rhetoric and rallying against the Jewish people quite publicly, and loudly. Now, he has more of the spotlight than he would like since it has been confirmed that he himself is of Jewish descent. Suspicion first arose from a 2010 tape where the politician was confronted with documents proving his lineage and he quickly responded with bribery. However, it was to no avail and the news has since spread widely. According to Jewish law, having Jewish grandparents binds him to the culture whether he likes it or not. (Toronto Star)

ONE CAT TO RULE THEM
The town of Talkeetna, Alaska celebrates the 15th anniversary of Mayor Stubbs’ reign this year; an unusual achievement given that the mayor happens to be a cat. Frustrated with the human selection once upon an election year, the townsfolk elected the part-manx by way of a write-in campaign shortly after his birth. Alas, we will never know the extent of the political aspirations and machinations that swirl in Stubbs’ feline mind, for the town of less than 900 is considered simply a historical district, and therefore his mayoral role is purely honorary. (QMI Agency)

STRANGER IN THE NIGHT
Caught on the roof of an Australian car wash at midnight while wearing a wig, gloves and mask, Bernard Hardy was quite rightly suspected of being a burglar. The backpack of tools that he brought along did little to sway that notion. But a reasonable doubt swayed the judge, and Hardy was ultimately cleared of the charge. Claiming to be an artist seeking better perspective of the town via the rooftop, and described by his own barrister as a “strange man,” Hardy was found not guilty and his tools, including a metal bar and pliers, were returned to him. (Canberra Times)

MUTILATED LIPS
The cows in Colorado are sleeping less soundly at night due to a recent resurgence of mutilations sweeping some rural areas. More than mere murder, the cow corpses are all missing a specific selection of body parts that were carefully removed from the animal during the odd assault. These bovine crimes are eerily similar to mutilations that occurred in a neighboring county during the 1960s and have sparked much concern from the local ranchers. (Denver Post)

STOPPING TRAFFIC
An elderly woman who lives near a busy intersection in China decided to take matters into her own hands when it came to frequent speeding motorists in the area. Nowadays, a life-sized sex doll, skimpily dressed in eye-catching lingerie, leans against a tree and causes just enough distraction to slow the passing vehicles. Like a siren’s call, the fake flesh weakens the motorists velocity as they slow down for a better look at the lure; and the neighborhood is all the safer for it. (Boing Boing)

Rachel Crisp Philips is a sales assistant at the Missoulian and purveyor of “odd news.”

by Rachel Crisp Philips

THE DINGO DID IT
New inquest rulings from Australia have found that, indeed, the dingo got the baby. The tale began in 1980, when 9-week-old Azaria Chamberlain went missing during a camping trip. An initial inquest into the case sided with her parents’ account that a dingo, a native wild dog, had taken the infant. However, a later inquest went against their favor and put the mother, Lindy Chamberlain, behind bars for three years. Eventually, a scrap of the child’s clothing was found near a group of dingo dens. This secured the mother’s release, but did not completely ease suspicion. At long last, this most recent coroner’s decision comes from evidence of other documented dingo attacks in the area. The Chamberlains’ story was famously dramatized in the 1988 film, “A Cry in the Dark,” starring Meryl Streep. (Reuters)

GUY WALKS INTO BAR
Police blame his blood alcohol level, but the Iowa man who brought his zebra and macaw into the bar claims he’s just a simple animal lover. After the trio was kicked out by the bartender for sanitary reasons, authorities intercepted them in the parking lot of the Dog House Lounge. With the animals riding shotgun in his truck, the man was found to be above the legal limit for intoxication and was arrested on site. (KCRG)

ONE-STOP SHOPPING
For one woman in Missouri, Wal-Mart seemed to be missing a certain item on her list. Taking matters into her own hands, she decided to make that special something herself. With a portable meth lab in her purse, contained within a soda bottle, the chemicals cooked as she waited. Even more brazen, this breaking bad behavior occurred in the loss prevention office where she was being held for shoplifting. The store was evacuated for several hours while authorities cleaned up the scene. (KSDK)

TAKE YOUR PICK
Somebody had money on their mind when they began purloining toothpicks from a manufacturing company in Georgia. Over a period of several weeks, many cases of the dental tool went missing. The thieves took a few different varieties of picks, with an overall value of almost $3,000 for the 374,400 individual toothpicks. Eventually, a man was spotted at a local flea market, selling the suspicious toothpicks to passersby. Unfortunately, the man was not caught and the perpetrators remain at large. (Athens Banner-Herald)

CLEANING FAIRY
One day, when Sherry Bush returned home, she was shocked to find the place spotless. She looked around until she found a handwritten note left on a table. Upon closer inspection, it was a bill for $75 signed by a Sue Warren. Surely there must be a mistake, she thought. But when the contact number was called, Warren assured Bush that there was no error, “No, I do this all the time...I just stop and clean your house.” In fact, Warren makes a habit of unlawful entry in order to house-clean and has previously been charged with criminal trespassing in another similar incident. No charges have been filed in the current case, and no items were stolen. (WKYC)


Rachel Crisp Philips is a sales assistant at the Missoulian and purveyor of “odd news.”